technoid
Regular
Joined: 21 Sep 2003
Location: Oregon USA
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 Posted: Sat Jun 05 2004 11:22
Lord of the Rings...in the style of HP Lovecraft |
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Another LOTR-themed post, found at another forum I hang at...
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Tuesday the 5th: I have discovered the Shire: a
> quaint little place filled
> with short, boring, timid creatures called hobbits.
> it appears nothing more
> exciting than a scandal ever happens here. Quite a
> change, really. I think
> I'll stay a bit.
>
> Wednesday the 6th: These hobbits have the most
> absurd names.
>
> Friday the 14th: ####. I was practicing magic in the
> woods and killed a
> hobbit. A Mr. Snackytush or somesuch. Now I'll have
> to hide the body: these
> creatures are so easily terrified. What a bother. At
> least they're good
> cooks.....astonishing cooks, really.
>
> Saturday the 15th: I am a changed man. Yesterday, I
> discovered the most
> terrible secret -- something no other creature must
> learn. It tugs at my
> soul, damning me with a fiendish hunger. As I
> prepared the body, I sucked
> some of the blood off my hands and made my awful
> discovery -- hobbits are
> tasty. No, that's wrong -- they are inconceivably
> delicious. I was halfway
> through the poor man's thigh before I realized what
> I was doing. I left the
> body and ran away.
>
> Sunday the 16th: It all makes sense now. I can't
> imagine how this place has
> lasted as long as it has: must be an elven
> conspiracy. Their names should
> have given it away. Mr and Mrs Saucyvittles! The
> Homefries family! I am
> going to slap the #### out of Elrond.....####, I can
> still taste that
> halfling. I must be strong.
>
> Monday the 17th: Young Berry Tartnose found the body
> by the river this
> morning. The whole town is trembling at the thought
> of it. They think there
> is some horrible monster in the woods. I have been
> asked to hunt the
> creature down. I agreed. I'll summon up some silly
> beast that the town
> elders can parade about. Dodged a bullet on that
> one.
>
> Tuesday the 18th: I have become a fiend! The day
> started out well. I left
> the village to summon the beast a mile or so away.
> As I brought forth the
> "Megalodent" (a big blue rabbit), a gasp from nearby
> startled me. I fired a
> bolt of fire into the bushes and Creamy Greatontoast
> fell out, dead! ####.
> The worst part about it was he lived up to his name.
> I am the wickedest man
> alive.
>
> Friday the 21st: I have left the Shire: the
> temptation is too great.
> This is
> a problem I cannot deal with alone. I have started
> for Rivendell to speak
> with Elrond (and slap him). Food tastes dull and
> ashen now -- wine is like
> mud. The giant rabbit thing worked well, though. I
> am a hero to the
> hobbits.
>
> They hope I come back soon. I will, too: I could
> only fit two hobbits in my
> pack for the trip.
>
> 10 YEARS PASS
>
> Wednesday the 9th: I have returned to the Shire. Was
> met with joy. I hope
> this plan works.
>
> Thursday the 10th: I can't believe anyone could be
> so gullible. I secretly
> presented the ring to a mister Lardo Meatcake. It
> took some convincing
> before he would bear it. I will meet him in Bree in
> a week. I feel bad
> about
> this...but not bad enough. Hobbits are so precious.
>
> Thursday the 17th: Met with Lardo in Bree. Tomorrow
> I will escort him
> out of
> town to the "special place". Elrond better be there.
>
> Friday the 18th: Gods, what a meal! We lie here,
> Elrond and I, like
> stuffed
> animals: torpid and happy. This was a wonderful
> idea. Hobbit goes with
> everything.
>
> Saturday the 19th: We have parted ways to return
> home. Elrond got his ring
> back and agreed that this was worth repeating. Maybe
> we can get the hobbit
> to go all the way to Rivendell next time!
>
> 73 YEARS PASS
>
> Wednesday the 30th: Escaped from Saruman. Tomorrow I
> should be in
> Rivendell.
> I hope I'm not late. #### shame the ringbearer
> turned out to be a hobbit --
> our old trick finally turned on us. I miss those
> days of decadent lunching.
> Frodo's travelling companion was a great idea. I'll
> try to get Sam alone in
> Ri*en%@ ;./''.)($ *f the group. Whoops, I'm drooling
> on the paper -- better
> stop now.
>
> Thursday the 31st: Busy day today. Arrived at
> Rivendell and found Frodo
> nearly dead. Without him the world is doomed to
> Sauron's wrath. Even more
> important, Frodo brought extra hobbits! My mind
> boggles at the
> possibilities. I will speak with Elrond tonight.
>
> Sunday the 3rd: Caught Sam licking Frodo in bed. I
> don't think he noticed
> me. Mmmm....hobbit-basted hobbit. Gods, I'm
> starving.
>
> Tuesday the 5th: Sam has been attending Frodo
> constantly since I arrived.
> His tongue is relentless. How precious, the two of
> them. Frodo awoke late
> this afternoon. Everyone is here. Tomorrow is the
> big meeting.
>
> Wednesday the 6th: 1st day of the Fellowship. The
> meeting went better than
> expected -- nobody died. As planned, the Fellowship
> was secretly chosen
> based on how gay they were. Only got one elf,
> though.....strange. Somehow,
> all of the hobbits ended up in the Fellowship. I
> don't know if I can take
> that much stress. Elrond was pissed; accused me of
> rigging the
> volunteering.
>
> I'm hungry.
>
> Thursday the 7th: 2nd day of the Fellowship Elrond
> gave me some hobbit
> jerky to pass me over if I swore not to eat any of
> them before we got back.
> Untrusting bastard. I should never have given in so
> quickly: I only got two
> weeks worth. We set out this morning.
>
> Saturday the 9th: 4th day of the Fellowship. I
> swear I saw Frodo today
> lying is a skillet of white wine sauce with
> mushroom, shallots and
> onions. I
> eat hobbits in my dreams.
>
> Sunday the 10th: 5th day of the Fellowship. This is
> harder than I thought.
> I'm already halfway through the jerky and it only
> reminds me of how good
> they are. Those four tasty bastards will be my
> undoing.
>
> Tuesday the 12th: 7th day of the Fellowship.
> I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the
> Ringbearer.
> I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the
> Ringbearer.
> I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the
> Ringbearer.
> I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the
> Ringbearer.
> I will not eat the Ringbearer. I will not eat the
> Ringbearer.
>
> Wednesday the 13th: 8th day of the Fellowship. I
> ate the last of the
> jerky.
> To fight my urges I have put gravel in my
> underpants. Harsh but effective.
> The rest of the Fellowship has become a pack of
> flaming queers. Only a
> handful of orcs dared to fight them. Gotta get back
> to opening the Mines
> now. Wish I had written that password down.
>
> Friday the 15th: 10th day of the Fellowship. Gravel
> doesn't work. Nothing
> works. I'm so hungry. I gotta get outta here. If I
> eat one, Elrond'll kill
> me. Maybe the balrog can help. He owes me money.
>
> Sunday the 17th: 12th day of the Fellowship......I
> guess Plan worked. The
> balrog and I parted ways yesterday -- now I can get
> some peace. It's
> good to
> get that gravel out. I'll head back to the Shire and
> tempt my tummy. Then I
> should be in shape to finish this whole affair.
> Well, better get back to
> the
> pack horse before something eats him. Maybe I'll
> find some hobbits waiting.
>
> I hope Sam doesn't kill them all. |
~techie |
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